Thursday, 28 January 2016

Me, The Mother's Anguish

So we are done with six lovely long weeks of summer break. We did a road trip, which was mostly awesome, because I ♥ drives, but the boys not so much, so it involved a lot of whimpering after we hit the 2 hour mark in any of the legs. However, all said and done, the trip was lovely. The PM was on leave for a long spell, so we basically had a full house, with no schedule to stick to, for most of the time. Lovely I say! And thankfully the weather has been kind, in that, it is not crazy hot this summer. And this week, the school of the BB and the kindergarten for the Smallie has opened, and off they have trotted happy and excited. Hopefully they enjoyed their vacations too!

And as they leave home, and I get to be home alone, I realise, I am totally and completely institutionalised. If you have watched The Shawshank Redemption, you know what I mean by that word.I am too used to being a mother with a noisy home, and barely anytime to think,being pounded with non stop questions, comments and more, to be able to live in any other condition. It has been getting hard for me since the end of last year. I began dreading getting back home after drop offs. I hated the stillness and silence the home offered in the absence of my babies.I am not a social butterfly, but I am not an alone person either. I think when I fell in love and later got married, that was one of the things I was most happy about, I would never have to look for company. And then growing into a family, has been wonderful. Been over nine years now, since I became a mother, and I have loved the journey each moment. What I don't enjoy so much though, is the boys growing up and going away.

The home feels so lonely and empty, that I want to flee, in those lonely hours. There is about as much time as I can loiter about, or run errands, or shop. I get back and I miss my boys, their presence, their noise and more. I have in many ways started envying the mums who truly enjoy the peace and quiet they get when their kids are away, when they get time for leisure or just to get their jobs done. I hope to get there, or hope to get back to work, or even just start to adjust to this new idea of being by myself, but till I do, there are some lonely empty days ahead of me, and I just hope they don't get to me as much as they had been, and I can learn to appreciate the me-time, my life that I had been seeking so hard for some years ago. Just as in the movie, I did not wish to give up those things, but I did, and I have for so long been bereft of them, that I am now institutionalised, and I no longer know, what to do with them, now that I have them back for a bit. The curse of motherhood, or maybe just an indication that I need to sort out my life and find a more to do with it!!

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